Showing posts with label Humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Humor. Show all posts
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Super Funny
No Wonder Men are Happier
What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental- $100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache..
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
Saturday, October 22, 2011
Unbelievable Tennis Battle in Paris
Unbelievable tennis battle in Paris by FFT
Top 7 reasons why I joined IT ...
1) I hated sleep.
2) I had enjoyed my life enough.
3) I couldn't live without tension.
4) I wanted to pay for my sins.
5) I believed in the Bhagwad Geeta principle : karm karo , phal ki ichha na karo.
6) Everything in life has a reason; i wanted to prove it wrong.
7) I wanted to take revenge on myself.
Friday, October 21, 2011
Silence of Love
A FATHER'S LOVE.. !
Remember to care for those who care for you.
Classified ads
These four classified ads appeared in a newspaper on four consecutive days. The last three hopelessly trying to correct the first day's mistake...
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MONDAY: For sale - Vishanth has a sewing machine for sale. Phone 98407 16581 after 7PM and ask for Mrs Mani who lives with him cheap.
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TUESDAY: Notice: We regret having erred in Vishanth's ad yesterday. It should have read, "One sewing machine for sale cheap. Phone 98407 16581 and ask for Mrs Mani, who lives with him after 7PM."
******
WEDNESDAY: Notice: Vishanth has informed us that he has received several annoying telephone calls because of t he error we made in the classified ad yesterday. The ad stands correct as follows: "For sale - Vishanth has a sewing machine for sale; Cheap. Phone 98407 16581 after 7PM and ask for Mrs. Mani who loves with him.
******
THURSDAY: Notice: I, Vishanth, have no sewing machine for sale. I smashed it. Don't call 98407 16581 as I have had the phone disconnected. I have not been carrying on with Mrs. Mani. Until yesterday, she was my housekeeper but she quit!
If a STUDENT Makes a Mistake
If a BARBER makes a mistake, it's a new style.......
If a DRIVER makes a mistake, it's an accident....
If a DOCTOR makes a mistake, it's an operation...
If an ENGINEER makes a mistake, it is a new venture.....
If a POLITICIAN makes a mistake, it is a new law.........
If a SCIENTIST makes a mistake, it is a new invention...
If a TAILOR makes a mistake, it is a new fashion.....
If a TEACHER makes a mistake, it is a new theory......
If a STUDENT makes a mistake, it is a "MISTAKE" !!!!!!!!!!!! !
Remember to care for those who care for you.
Classified ads
These four classified ads appeared in a newspaper on four consecutive days. The last three hopelessly trying to correct the first day's mistake...
******
MONDAY: For sale - Vishanth has a sewing machine for sale. Phone 98407 16581 after 7PM and ask for Mrs Mani who lives with him cheap.
******
TUESDAY: Notice: We regret having erred in Vishanth's ad yesterday. It should have read, "One sewing machine for sale cheap. Phone 98407 16581 and ask for Mrs Mani, who lives with him after 7PM."
******
WEDNESDAY: Notice: Vishanth has informed us that he has received several annoying telephone calls because of t he error we made in the classified ad yesterday. The ad stands correct as follows: "For sale - Vishanth has a sewing machine for sale; Cheap. Phone 98407 16581 after 7PM and ask for Mrs. Mani who loves with him.
******
THURSDAY: Notice: I, Vishanth, have no sewing machine for sale. I smashed it. Don't call 98407 16581 as I have had the phone disconnected. I have not been carrying on with Mrs. Mani. Until yesterday, she was my housekeeper but she quit!
If a STUDENT Makes a Mistake
If a BARBER makes a mistake, it's a new style.......
If a DRIVER makes a mistake, it's an accident....
If a DOCTOR makes a mistake, it's an operation...
If an ENGINEER makes a mistake, it is a new venture.....
If a POLITICIAN makes a mistake, it is a new law.........
If a SCIENTIST makes a mistake, it is a new invention...
If a TAILOR makes a mistake, it is a new fashion.....
If a TEACHER makes a mistake, it is a new theory......
If a STUDENT makes a mistake, it is a "MISTAKE" !!!!!!!!!!!! !
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Doctor's Mistake
Medicare Joke
The phone rang. The lady of the house answered
"Yes?" "Mrs. Ward, please." "Speaking" "Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory. When your Doctor sent your husband's samples to the lab, the samples from another Mr. Ward were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly, it is either bad or terrible."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asked.
"Well, one Mr. Ward has tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other for AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband's."
"That's terrible! Can we repeat the test?" questioned Mrs. Ward.
"Normally, yes, but Medicare won't pay for these expensive tests more than once."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."
Funny Doctor
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Men are Better Friends
Women:
A wife was not at home for a whole night. So, the next morning, she tells her husband that she stayed at her girlfriend's apartment overnight.
The husband calls 10 of her best girlfriends and none of them confirm that.
Men:
A husband was not at home for a whole night. So he tells his wife the next morning, that he stayed at his friend's apartment overnight.
So the wife calls 10 of his best friends: 5 of them confirmed that he stayed at their apartments that night, and the other 5 are claiming that he still is there with them!
Conclusion :
A wife was not at home for a whole night. So, the next morning, she tells her husband that she stayed at her girlfriend's apartment overnight.
The husband calls 10 of her best girlfriends and none of them confirm that.
Men:
A husband was not at home for a whole night. So he tells his wife the next morning, that he stayed at his friend's apartment overnight.
So the wife calls 10 of his best friends: 5 of them confirmed that he stayed at their apartments that night, and the other 5 are claiming that he still is there with them!
Conclusion :
Men are better friends
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Magical Frog
A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you,but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"
The woman said, "That's okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make Your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to. "
The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me." So, -she's the most beautiful woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you." The woman said,
"That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."
So, -she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."
Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.
Attention female readers: This is the end of the story for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.
Male readers: Please scroll down.
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The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!!!
Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really smart.
Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show
PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you,but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"
The woman said, "That's okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make Your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to. "
The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me." So, -she's the most beautiful woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you." The woman said,
"That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."
So, -she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."
Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.
Attention female readers: This is the end of the story for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.
Male readers: Please scroll down.
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The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!!!
Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really smart.
Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show
PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!
Monday, October 17, 2011
Doctor's Advice
A doctor's advice via question & answer!
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
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Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
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Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
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Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
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Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
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Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!.... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
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Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
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Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!
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Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
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Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
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Funny Doctor
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
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Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
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Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
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Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
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Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
-------------
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!.... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
-------------
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
-------------
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!
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Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
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Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
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Funny Doctor
LIFE WITHOUT GIRLS
LIFE WITHOUT GIRLS:
The result
Markets silent
Streets empty
The police at rest
All mobile companies in loss
No SMS
No Flowers
No Valentine
No Candles
No Perfumes
All the men directed to Heaven.
The result
Markets silent
Streets empty
The police at rest
All mobile companies in loss
No SMS
No Flowers
No Valentine
No Candles
No Perfumes
All the men directed to Heaven.
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Poems Written By Husband To Wife
I wrote your name on sand it got washed.
I wrote your name in air, it was blown away. Then
I wrote your name on my heart & I got Heart Attack.
******
God saw me hungry, he created pizza .
He saw me thirsty, he created Pepsi .
He saw me in dark, he created light .
He saw me without problems, he created YOU.
******
Twinkle Twinkle little star
You should know what you are
And once you know what you are
Mental hospital is not so far.
******
The rain makes all things beautiful.
The grass and flowers too.
If rain makes all things beautiful
Why doesn't it rain on you?
******
Roses are red, Violets are blue
Monkeys like u should be kept in zoo.
Don't feel so angry you will find me there too
Not in cage but laughing at you.
******
I wrote your name in air, it was blown away. Then
I wrote your name on my heart & I got Heart Attack.
******
God saw me hungry, he created pizza .
He saw me thirsty, he created Pepsi .
He saw me in dark, he created light .
He saw me without problems, he created YOU.
******
Twinkle Twinkle little star
You should know what you are
And once you know what you are
Mental hospital is not so far.
******
The rain makes all things beautiful.
The grass and flowers too.
If rain makes all things beautiful
Why doesn't it rain on you?
******
Roses are red, Violets are blue
Monkeys like u should be kept in zoo.
Don't feel so angry you will find me there too
Not in cage but laughing at you.
******
Thursday, October 13, 2011
How guys select the girl they want to marry
How guys select the girl they want to marry
A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry.
He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.
The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, purchases new make-up and buys several new outfits, and dresses up very nicely for the man.
She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.
The man is impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts.
She gets him a new set of STRONG golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes.As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.
Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market.
She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account.
She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.
Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money.
Guess which lady he chose to marry?
Think like a man . . .
(scroll down for the answer)
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He married the most beautiful one!!!!!!
Men are Men.... Obviously!!!
A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry.
He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.
The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, purchases new make-up and buys several new outfits, and dresses up very nicely for the man.
She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.
The man is impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts.
She gets him a new set of STRONG golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes.As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.
Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market.
She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account.
She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.
Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money.
Guess which lady he chose to marry?
Think like a man . . .
(scroll down for the answer)
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He married the most beautiful one!!!!!!
Men are Men.... Obviously!!!
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Dying Nun
A 98-year-old Mother Superior from Ireland was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable.
They tried giving her some warm milk to drink but she refused it. One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen and remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.
Back at Mother Superior's bed, the nun held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little.... Then a little more. Before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop. "Mother," the nuns asked with earnest, "please give us some wisdom before you die."
She raised herself up in bed and whispered, "Don't sell that cow!"
They tried giving her some warm milk to drink but she refused it. One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen and remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.
Back at Mother Superior's bed, the nun held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little.... Then a little more. Before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop. "Mother," the nuns asked with earnest, "please give us some wisdom before you die."
She raised herself up in bed and whispered, "Don't sell that cow!"
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Enjoy the fun
Why do we sometimes write 'etc' at the end in the exam?
Bcoz it means... .
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E-End of
T-thinking
C-capacity.
*************
How to Create d Biggest Doubt in ur Wife's Mind 4 u?
?
?
?
?
?
Just Suddenly send her SMS Saying..
"I Luv u too" .
.
GAME OVER.!
*************
When do you knw ur in love?
Ans. When you start searching for the cheapest mobile plan
*************
Wht is the Diff b/wYoung Age & Old Age?
*
Simple..
In Young Age
Phone Is Full Of Darlings Numbers..
In Old Age
Its Full of Doctors Numbers..!-
*************
"Why is Facebook such a hit?
It works on the principle that-
'People are more interested in others life than their own-!
*************
A Ques Asked In A Talent Test:
If You Are Married To 1 Of The Twin Sisters, How wud You Recognize Your WIFE?
The Best Answer
- Why d Hell Should I recognise?..
Bcoz it means... .
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E-End of
T-thinking
C-capacity.
*************
How to Create d Biggest Doubt in ur Wife's Mind 4 u?
?
?
?
?
?
Just Suddenly send her SMS Saying..
"I Luv u too" .
.
GAME OVER.!
*************
When do you knw ur in love?
Ans. When you start searching for the cheapest mobile plan
*************
Wht is the Diff b/wYoung Age & Old Age?
*
Simple..
In Young Age
Phone Is Full Of Darlings Numbers..
In Old Age
Its Full of Doctors Numbers..!-
*************
"Why is Facebook such a hit?
It works on the principle that-
'People are more interested in others life than their own-!
*************
A Ques Asked In A Talent Test:
If You Are Married To 1 Of The Twin Sisters, How wud You Recognize Your WIFE?
The Best Answer
- Why d Hell Should I recognise?..
Monday, October 10, 2011
Dumbest People on Earth .. Ha ha ha
Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: 'Free to good home. You want it, you take it...'
For three days the fridge sat there without anyone looking twice. He eventually decided that people were too mistrustful of this deal. So he changed the sign to read: 'Fridge for sale $50.'
The next day someone stole it!
They walk amongst us!
*****************************
I stopped at Mc Donald's and ordered some fries.
The girl behind the counter said "would you like some fries with that?"
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One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone shouted.... 'Look at that dead bird!'
Someone looked up at the sky and said...'where? '
They walk among us!
*****************************
While looking at a house, my brother asked the estate agent which direction was north because he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning.
She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?'
My brother explained that the sun rises in the east and has for sometime.
She shook her head and said, 'Oh, I don't keep up with all that stuff....... '
They Walk Among Us!
*****************************
My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard an admin girl talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach.
She drove down in a convertible, but said she 'didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving'. They Walk Among Us!
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My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car which is designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped.
She keeps it in the car trunk.
They Walk Among Us!
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I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, 'Ouch! The chain must rip out every time she turns her head!"
I had to explain that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned.... They Walk Among Us !
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I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area and went to the lost luggage office and reported the loss.
The woman there smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and said I was in good hands.
'Now,' she asked me, 'Has your plane arrived yet?'.... (I work with professionals like this.)
They Walk Among Us!
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While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time then said 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.
They Walk Among Us!
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And last, but not least: Dumb as a box of Rocks
A VERY GOOD EXAMPLE OF THE KIND OF REPRESENTATION WE HAVE IN CONGRESS, TRUE STORY:
A noted psychiatrist was a guest speaker at an academic function where Nancy Pelosi happened to appear. Ms Pelosi took the opportunity to schmooze the good doctor a bit and asked him a question with which he was most at ease.
'Would you mind telling me, Doctor,' she asked, 'how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?'
'Nothing is easier,' he replied. 'You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If the person hesitates, that puts you on the track.'
'What sort of question?' asked Pelosi.
Well, you might ask, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?''
Pelosi thought a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, 'You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history..'
For three days the fridge sat there without anyone looking twice. He eventually decided that people were too mistrustful of this deal. So he changed the sign to read: 'Fridge for sale $50.'
The next day someone stole it!
They walk amongst us!
*****************************
I stopped at Mc Donald's and ordered some fries.
The girl behind the counter said "would you like some fries with that?"
*****************************
One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone shouted.... 'Look at that dead bird!'
Someone looked up at the sky and said...'where? '
They walk among us!
*****************************
While looking at a house, my brother asked the estate agent which direction was north because he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning.
She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?'
My brother explained that the sun rises in the east and has for sometime.
She shook her head and said, 'Oh, I don't keep up with all that stuff....... '
They Walk Among Us!
*****************************
My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard an admin girl talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach.
She drove down in a convertible, but said she 'didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving'. They Walk Among Us!
*****************************
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car which is designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped.
She keeps it in the car trunk.
They Walk Among Us!
*****************************
I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, 'Ouch! The chain must rip out every time she turns her head!"
I had to explain that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned.... They Walk Among Us !
*****************************
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area and went to the lost luggage office and reported the loss.
The woman there smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and said I was in good hands.
'Now,' she asked me, 'Has your plane arrived yet?'.... (I work with professionals like this.)
They Walk Among Us!
*****************************
While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time then said 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.
They Walk Among Us!
*****************************
And last, but not least: Dumb as a box of Rocks
A VERY GOOD EXAMPLE OF THE KIND OF REPRESENTATION WE HAVE IN CONGRESS, TRUE STORY:
A noted psychiatrist was a guest speaker at an academic function where Nancy Pelosi happened to appear. Ms Pelosi took the opportunity to schmooze the good doctor a bit and asked him a question with which he was most at ease.
'Would you mind telling me, Doctor,' she asked, 'how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?'
'Nothing is easier,' he replied. 'You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If the person hesitates, that puts you on the track.'
'What sort of question?' asked Pelosi.
Well, you might ask, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?''
Pelosi thought a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, 'You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history..'
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Smart Monkey Conversation
Once in America a plane crashed, only a monkey who was traveling in the plane was left alive. Fortunately the monkey was intelligent enough to understand our language and reply in actions. The officials went to see the monkey in the hospital and had a talk with the monkey.
: "When the plane took off what were the travelers doing?"
: "Tying their belts"
: "What were the airhostesses doing?"
: "Saying Hello! Good morning!"
: "What were the pilots doing?"
: "Checking the system"
: "What were you doing?"
: "Looking for my people"
: "After 10' minutes what were the travelers doing?"
: "Having beverages and snacks"
: "What were the airhostesses doing?"
: "Serving the travelers"
: "What were the Pilots doing?"
: "Handling the steering"
: "What were you doing?"
: "Eating & throwing"
: "After 30 minutes what were the travelers doing?"
"Some were sleeping and some were reading"
: "What were the airhostesses doing?"
: "Make up"
: "What were the pilots doing?"
: "Handling the steering"
: "What were you doing?"
: "Nothing"
: "Just before plane crash what were the travelers doing?"
: "All were sleeping"
: "What were the pilots doing?"
: "Handling the air hostess"
: What were you doing?
: Handling the steering ???
: "When the plane took off what were the travelers doing?"
: "Tying their belts"
: "What were the airhostesses doing?"
: "Saying Hello! Good morning!"
: "What were the pilots doing?"
: "Checking the system"
: "What were you doing?"
: "Looking for my people"
: "After 10' minutes what were the travelers doing?"
: "Having beverages and snacks"
: "What were the airhostesses doing?"
: "Serving the travelers"
: "What were the Pilots doing?"
: "Handling the steering"
: "What were you doing?"
: "Eating & throwing"
: "After 30 minutes what were the travelers doing?"
"Some were sleeping and some were reading"
: "What were the airhostesses doing?"
: "Make up"
: "What were the pilots doing?"
: "Handling the steering"
: "What were you doing?"
: "Nothing"
: "Just before plane crash what were the travelers doing?"
: "All were sleeping"
: "What were the pilots doing?"
: "Handling the air hostess"
: What were you doing?
: Handling the steering ???
Saturday, September 24, 2011
Don't Laugh Too Much
Why are wives more dangerous than the Mafia?
The mafia wants either ur money or life...
The wives want both!
====
Marriage is like a public toilet Those waiting outside are desperate to get in & Those inside are desperate to come out.
====
No Man Can Ever Be Satisfied
with 4 things in life.
(1) Mobile
(2) Automobile
(3) TV
(4) Wife
Because there is always a better model in neighborhood.
===
Searching these keywords on Google `How to tackle wife?`
Google search result, `Good day sir, Even we are searching`.
===
Compromising does not mean you are wrong and your wife is right.
It only means that the safety of your head is much more important than your ego!
===
Imagine living with 3 wives in one compound and never leaving the house for 5 years.
Osama Bin Laden must have called the US Navy Seals himself!
===
Whisky is a brilliant invention. One double and you start feeling single again.
===
A friend recently explained why he refuses to get to married.
He says the wedding rings look like miniature handcuffs.
===
It takes thousand workers 2 build a castle, Million soldiers to protect a country,
but just One woman 2 make a Happy Home --------- A Good Maid!
===
Funny quote on a husband`s T-Shirt:
All girls are devils,
but my wife is the queen
--
--
--
--
--
--
of them
Saturday, July 9, 2011
10 commandments of Marriage..
Commandment 1
Marriages are made in heaven. But so are thunder and lightning.
Commandment 2
If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say; talk in your sleep.
Commandment 3
Marriage is grand — and divorce is at least 100 grand!
Commandment 4
Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year,the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
Commandment 5
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.
Commandment 6
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
Commandment 7
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.
Commandment 8
Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.
Commandment 9
Marriage and love are purely matter of chemistry. That is why wives treat husbands like toxic waste.
Commandment 10
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished
Marriages are made in heaven. But so are thunder and lightning.
Commandment 2
If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say; talk in your sleep.
Commandment 3
Marriage is grand — and divorce is at least 100 grand!
Commandment 4
Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year,the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
Commandment 5
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.
Commandment 6
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
Commandment 7
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.
Commandment 8
Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.
Commandment 9
Marriage and love are purely matter of chemistry. That is why wives treat husbands like toxic waste.
Commandment 10
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
How A Man Discover And Lady Enjoys...
The man discovered COLOURS and invented PAINT,
The woman discovered PAINT and invented MAKEUP.
The man discovered the WORD and invented CONVERSATION,
The woman discovered CONVERSATION and invented GOSSIP.
The man discovered AGRICULTURE and invented FOOD,
The woman discovered FOOD and invented DIET.
The man discovered FRIENDSHIP and invented LOVE,
The woman discovered LOVE and invented LOVE TRIANGLES.
The man discovered TRADING and invented MONEY,
The woman discovered MONEY and invented SHOPPING.
Thereafter man has discovered and invented a lot of things...
While the women STUCK to shopping....
The woman discovered PAINT and invented MAKEUP.
The man discovered the WORD and invented CONVERSATION,
The woman discovered CONVERSATION and invented GOSSIP.
The man discovered AGRICULTURE and invented FOOD,
The woman discovered FOOD and invented DIET.
The man discovered FRIENDSHIP and invented LOVE,
The woman discovered LOVE and invented LOVE TRIANGLES.
The man discovered TRADING and invented MONEY,
The woman discovered MONEY and invented SHOPPING.
Thereafter man has discovered and invented a lot of things...
While the women STUCK to shopping....
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Seatbelt Law
New Seat Belt Law
This becomes effective March 1, 2010. The National Highway Safety Council has done extensive Testing on a newly Designed Seat Belt.
Results show that accidents can be reduced by as much as 95%
When the belt is properly installed.
Correct Installation is illustrated below...
Please pass on to family and friends.
THIS MAY HELP SAVE A LIFE!
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
This can really save lives and lower blood pressure by 40%
I KNOW... YOU SMILED.
Have A Nice Day
This becomes effective March 1, 2010. The National Highway Safety Council has done extensive Testing on a newly Designed Seat Belt.
Results show that accidents can be reduced by as much as 95%
When the belt is properly installed.
Correct Installation is illustrated below...
Please pass on to family and friends.
THIS MAY HELP SAVE A LIFE!
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
This can really save lives and lower blood pressure by 40%
I KNOW... YOU SMILED.
Have A Nice Day
Friday, June 11, 2010
To: My loving wife
A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer in his room. So he decided to send an E-MAIL to his wife.
However he accidentally typed the wrong e-mail address and without realising his error, he sent the message. Meanwhile,
somewhere a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. The widow decided to check her mail,
expecting message from her relatives and friends.; After reading the first message she fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My loving wife
Subject: I've just reached
Date: 13th oct 2009
I know you are surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now, and you are allowed to sent e-mails to your loved ones.
I've just reached and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you.
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was;
MORAL OF STORY - be careful while sending mails if not mishaps like these happen ..
However he accidentally typed the wrong e-mail address and without realising his error, he sent the message. Meanwhile,
somewhere a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. The widow decided to check her mail,
expecting message from her relatives and friends.; After reading the first message she fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My loving wife
Subject: I've just reached
Date: 13th oct 2009
I know you are surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now, and you are allowed to sent e-mails to your loved ones.
I've just reached and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you.
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was;
MORAL OF STORY - be careful while sending mails if not mishaps like these happen ..
Monday, April 26, 2010
Please ! Make Me Women ....
A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home.
He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:
"Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home.
I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen.
God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man’s wish.
The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.
He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids,
Set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches,
Drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners
And stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping,
Then drove home to put away the groceries,
Paid the bills and balanced the checkbook.
He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog.
Then it was already 1 P.M. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor.
Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home.
Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework,
then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.
At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.
After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and,
Though his daily chores weren’t finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.
The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said, Lord,
I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back."
The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were.
You'll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night."
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